Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
