you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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