Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
