all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
