I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
