You were right. It hurts to walk today.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
