and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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