get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
