you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize