When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
me + whiskey = a bad person
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
