I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
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I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
try to milk me bitch
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