The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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