This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
