What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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