really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
