I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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