Where did you get a picture of my penis
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Holy sore nipples Batman
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
