I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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