Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
