toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't deserve a penis
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
