If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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