90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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