Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
