I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
