you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
