why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
