Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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