My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
