apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize