im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
