Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
