I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
