So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
