she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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