i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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