don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
