i need an iv and a liver transplant
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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