So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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