Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
