I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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