theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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