I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
