we have officially lost it.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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