please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
