She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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