my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she smelled like a LAN party
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
