just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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