and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I wear drunk well.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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