i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
