erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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