he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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