gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
