sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
