walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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