Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
