Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
