The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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