Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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