mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
